Every Little Wonder

One of my dear friends got married last weekend. On TV. After a year-and-half of engagement with no progress made on the wedding planning (sounds familiar…), she and her fiance auditioned to have their wedding planned by a famous couple as part of new reality series. They got accepted, of course, because they are 100% adorable and awesome. And since I was one of the lucky bridesmaids, I got to spend the weekend in LA trying not to puke despite the 9000 cameras surrounding me at all times. Good times!

I had to sign something saying I wouldn’t talk about it or post pictures, and the guy who made me sign also ominously promised me that they had people ‘checking for this sort of thing’…and then he started joking about how I was now signing my life away and agreeing to name my first-born after him (too late, sucker!). At least I think he was joking. Apparently, if you shove a contract under my nose and a camera in my face, I’ll sign whatever you want without really reading the details.

So I have no idea what I’m allowed to say. And yes, I realize that makes this post pretty boring. The wedding was very last minute (planned in about a month—sheesh, things can move so much quicker for famous people!), and I spent the last two weeks in a panicked shopping frenzy because going from Loungey Sweatpants Mom to TV-Ready is 1) really hard, and 2)also impossible. High heels? What? I barely remember what those are. But the wedding was amazing, my bride-friend was gorgeous, I had crazy curly hair and fake eyelashes, and despite the open bar, I managed not to get so drunk that I took my top off. Although my dress was low-cut and cleavagey enough that it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. Hey America, check out my awesome rack! Coming soon to a cable channel reality show near you!

Last year, I made that big list of things I wanted to do. I tried to keep it to easy, attainable things. I thought it would be no problem.

L.O.L.

It’s ridiculous looking back on it now, seeing how little I’ve accomplished. Like, in 365 days I couldn’t manage to just sort out my digital photos? Paint a dresser? Go to the freaking Alameda Flea Market? Not once? In an entire year?

I’m not gonna wallow in self-pity and disappointment, because, whatever, you know? I had a baby, guys. I know I’m running out of time to use that as an excuse for everything, but I’m sticking with it while it lasts.

This year, I want to do this:
1. Buy a house.

There are a million other things I want to do this year, but that’s the big one. Buying a home in the Bay Area just isn’t an option for us unless we’re looking at a shack in the scary (scariest) parts of Oakland, so we’re planning on moving to Sacramento where the same amount of money can get us a new 4 bedroom house with a pool.

Sacramento. OMG. The suburbs. What.

I don’t know who I’ve become. I used to think home ownership was a giant money- and time-suck and I wanted nothing to do with it. And now I have a baby and I want a yard and a washer and dryer and I want to paint walls and grow a real garden and build a sunroom and and and. It hit me hard last year, this craving for a place to call my own. Looking at home design blogs is almost painful. It’s like that ridiculous ovarian squeal I experience whenever I see a teensy newborn baby or a ruffled polka dot baby girl dress. I NEED I WANT I MUST NOW NOW NOW. Only it’s not in my ovaries. It’s in whatever part of my brain is responsible for making me like Eames loungers and chalkboard walls and dark hardwood floors.

So. Sacramento. The weather, the cookie cutter houses, the lack of an ocean within walking distance. It’s not my dream situation, but since no one’s buying me a huge sunlit flat with a garage in Hayes Valley, it will do for now. We’ll be farther from Cris’s family but close to mine. And if we work it right, I can quit the 9-5 cubicle gig and do freelance full time. And then life will be sunny and birds will sing and everything will be perfect. Or something like that.

So, there it is. My exciting, terrifying, OMGWTFBBQ goal for the year.

Bonus list in case I end up feeling wildly productive and successful:

1. win a neeewwwwww caaaarrrrrrr!!! on The Price is Right
2. lose weight for reals this time
3. become BFF with Tori Spelling (uh, more on that later)
4. go to Europe (not sure how this fits in with saving money for the down payment, but maybe I’ll win the lottery or something)
5. have a wedding (again, money. when is an unknown relative going to die so I can inherit millions???)
6. ah, what the hell— win the lottery or something

I’m a bit behind on this, but procrastinating is kinda my thing, so I’ll just go with it anyway. This year, I decided to steal the yearly recap questions from All & Sundry . (And here is the very short 2009 recap from last year. Which also happens to be my very first post on this blog. Say it with me now: Awww!)

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
   I blogged (semi-)consistently this year. Not as consistently as I would have liked, but if you knew how many blogs I’ve started and then quickly abandoned, you’d know it’s still kinda a big deal for me. This year, I also finally got around to starting a small garden on the patio.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   Oh, resolutions. I’m not so big on the resolutions. I did have a list of things I wanted to do last year. I did almost none of them. I’m not gonna let myself feel too guilty about that though, because my real goal for 2010 was just to survive my first year of motherhood. And I did. Just barely. This year? This year I have some big goals, but mostly it just comes down to getting our shit together, for reals, yo. Fingers crossed.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   A close friend of mine gave birth in March, and my sister-in-law gave birth in July, both to ridiculously adorable little girls. I’m not gonna lie—it makes my ovaries ache a little bit.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
   No, thank God.
5. What countries did you visit?
   Um, wine country? Does that count?
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
   Peace. Not that last year was awful, but between job stress, money stress, commute stress, lack of time, lack of sleep, etc, I spent too much time feeling like we were just barely treading water, like I was just barely holding it together. This first half of this year is going to be hard, but I hope that by the end of year, we will have found our place in everything and finally breathe again.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
   May 19 – our five-year anniversary and the night Cris proposed to me over a candlelit dinner overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   I finally got my freelance design business together. I’m not officially open yet, but I’m thisclose and I’m super excited about it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
   In general, I’ve been too timid to get what I want and I’ve procrastinated way too much. All my big ideas and grand plans are for naught if I can’t get myself to get follow through with anything.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
    It was a pretty good year, health-wise. This last month or two had us all passing colds back and forth but nothing too awful.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
    The new laptop, and the second DSLR for Cris.
12. Where did most of your money go?
    I have no idea. Seriously. Food, I think? We spend way too much on food. Cute baby clothes that I’m apparently powerless against. Diapers.
13. What did you get really excited about?
    Starting my freelance design business. Also: everything Ezra does ever. He rolled over! He sat up! He clapped! He pooped! OMG!!!! LOOK AT HIM!!!
14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
    That Eminem/Rihanna song that I don’t even want to talk about. It played on the radio at least three times every single morning on my way to work until I got my ipod sorted out and it’s now permanently burned into my brain until I die. On a happier note: What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong is played before bedtime for Ezra every night and it makes me super happy. And No! by TMBG is the go-to Spontaneous Dance Party album for Cris and the baby—and the memory of them bouncing around the living room like weirdos is unbearably sweet.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

    – happier or sadder? Happier.
    – thinner or fatter? Both. I weigh slightly less, but my belly. Goodness. It’s threatening to overtake the universe at this rate.
    – richer or poorer? Poorer. No idea how this happened. Last year I was on maternity leave and not getting any money. This year, we’ve both had raises and tried to spend a lot less money. And yet somehow, we are so much more broke.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

    I wish I had taken pictures and blogged daily. I wish I’d taken more videos. I wish I’d worked a lot harder at developing relationships with people online and off. I wish I would have worked harder and slacked off less.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

    I wish I would have stopped going to be at midnight. The perverse pride I take in how little sleep I get is going to be the death of me. I also wish I would have spent less time at work and less time commuting, but there’s not much to be done about that.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
    We spent a week vising my family in Arizona, and then had separate get-togethers with Cris’s family and the other half of my family.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
    Dexter, Burn Notice, Modern Family.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
    I didn’t read as much as I’m used to. I loved the Hunger Games trilogy.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
    The Mountain Goats stole my heart.
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
    I barely saw any movies this year, but I did love Inception.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 27 and we spend the day driving around town, getting free birthday food and swag from various places. It was crazy.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    Money. Unlimited money.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
    I spent the year in ill-fitting clothes, covered in cat fur and baby snot. Sartorially speaking, it was my worst year ever.
26. What kept you sane?
    My family—Cris, the baby, our parents, the whole lot. Also: The promise of things getting better.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
    I think this just about sums it up:
    

[I told myself I was going to participate in reverb 10 this month, so here I am with my first post on the 14th, naturally.]
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

When I was younger, I used to fantasize about skipping the country, traveling from town to town, wandering the world all nomad-style and never settling down. A few months in a yurt in Mongolio, a year in a London flat, teaching English in Japan for a semester. Yes, yes, YES.

And then I had Ezra and all those plans just faded away. Not because I was giving up. Not because it would be too hard or too expensive or too complicated or too difficult with a baby. But because I realized that without my family (and Cris’s family), I would have completely lost my mind. Several times over by now. Without such a large, loving, generous circle of support, this year would have completely killed me, I think.

Not having to worry about daycare because Cris’s amazing mom is watching Ezra. Having my parents happily (ecstatically!) take him so we can scoot off to LA for a few days. My mom coming up on weekends to watch the baby so I can focus on cleaning (or cleaning herself so I can focus on sitting on the couch and whining, more likely). Getting to spend a day alone or getting a date night with Cris or getting to veg out at someone else’s house while they chase the baby around for bit or getting just one solid night of sleep while someone else takes care of him overnight. These things are pretty much the bedrock to my sanity at this point in my life.

I know people raise children in cities where they know no one all the time, but I don’t know how they do it. And, OMG, single moms? They deserve awards and medals and cookies and all-expenses-paid week-long trips to a spa resort with manicures and massages and facials. I cannot even imagine how they survive. Just a call from Cris that he’s going to be home late one night is usually enough to send me into a tailspin of panic and despair.

Gratitude is where I fail, of course. I’ve always loved my family, sure. But with Ezra’s birth, I finally realized I needed them. Not in a vague “Yes, I know you’ll always be there for me” way, but in a “OMG Please help me RIGHT NOW” kind of way. But there’s always this part of me that feels so uncomfortable and guilty and maybe a little ashamed when I need help from others, so my attempts at expressing appreciation get all awkward and apologetic.

I need to work on that I know. But sometimes it just seems to big. I know how really, really, ridiculously lucky and blessed we are, but how do you even say thank you for that? Thank you, to so many people, for loving and supporting us. Thank you for loving Ezra almost as much as I do. Thank you for letting me know to the very bottom of my heart, that whatever happens to us—even if one of the insane, horrible tragedies that my stupid brain is always thinking up actually comes to pass—we have such a wide safety net of support and love that would be okay.

I don’t know. Is there a Hallmark card for this?

I am finally back from our trip! Er, okay, I was back on Sunday, but I seem to have forgotten about this “blog” thing. Internet? What’s an internet?

The trip was lovely and, well, I don’t want to bury the lede or anything, so I’ll just say:
We got engaged!

:) x 10000000, right? Cris proposed on the night of our five year anniversary, at a lovely restaurant in Santa Barbara. It was unexpected and sweet and romantic and wonderful and all that good stuff, and it looks like my years of being a ruined woman and living in sin will soon be behind me!

The rest of the trip to Santa Barbara and LA was nice. We spent way too much money and spent too much time running around instead of napping on the beach, and every time I saw a little kid, I would give out an involuntary yelp because OMG I MISS MY BABYYYYYYY. But that’s just how it goes I guess. Highlights:

• bloody marys!
• red velvet pancakes! cream cheese frosting! heart-shaped chocolate chips! cutest breakfast ever .
• these tacos! I am obsessed with these tacos and it’s pretty much been my primary motivation for every trip I’ve ever taken to LA.
• pinkberry, finally.
• staying at the swankiest hotel I’ve ever been in . crappiest picture ever, I know, but that thing? It’s like a huge mirror, right? Except there is a secret hidden tv screen behind it! Craziness! There was a shower that rained from the ceiling and $12 bottles of Fiji water just laying around and a room service menu where you could order entire bottles of liquor (only $130 for a bottle of jose cuervo! bargain!) and a balcony with an amazing view. It was pretty awesome and totally ridiculous.
• the ‘breakfast’ ‘menu’ at the hotel restaurant
• and last, but so not least, the sleep! The sweet sleep! Uninterrupted! All night! All morning! I’ve missed you, Sleep! Please don’t leave! Come back!

(I have real pictures, I swear, but ever since getting an iphone, using my real camera seems like such a hassle. I should get some kind of award for being the laziest person ever)

Today is our five year anniversary. Five years, people! The mister and I headed off to Southern California (sans baby! eek!) for four days of wild debauchery and recklessness… I may even finish a whole bloody mary! Crazy!

I’m going to miss Ezra a ridiculous amount and I might just break down sobbing at some (several!) points throughout the trip, but I don’t think my mom could possibly be happier. She’s been waiting for this for decades.

I want:

1. some homemade steak tacos
2. Girl’s Gone Child’s fabulous new 1920s spanish style home
3. a fantastic little herb garden to call my own
4. this Let’s Make Out pillow
5. Scarlett Johansson’s body. And that hair.
6. And then this bikini
7. And a trip here
8. some homemade pudding cups
9. a dog the size of a bear
10. and a really cute baby

One of of 10… not too bad, I guess.

• The first time I rubbed Ezra’s tiny head in the hospital after he was born. I couldn’t get over how impossibly soft his hair was, how sweet he smelled, how perfect he was.
• The first time Ezra really really laughed. We were at his aunt’s house, and his 9-year-old cousin came over and said “I bet I can make Ezra laugh! I’m really good at making babies laugh!” and I stupidly thought, um, surrrre you can. Then he… I don’t know? Moved his head a little bit? Made a little sound? And Ezra just cracked up. He started laughing so hard and so loud and it was the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life. Good job, little nephew!
• The huuuuge smile and happy shrieks from Ezra when we start to read him his bedtime story at night.
• The first time we took Ezra to church, on Easter. It was so loud and his eyes got huge and his face crumpled up and he was about to start screaming, but I held him close and made soft shushing sounds and he looked at me and grabbed on my fingers and immediately calmed down as he nuzzled his face against my neck.
• Our daily walks to Starbucks towards the end of my maternity leave, and seeing Ezra so excited and curious about the world around him.
• The first time I saw Cris napping on the recliner, with a tiny Ezra napping on his chest. It was this tiny moment where it finally sunk in that this is my life now and it felt perfect.
• Every night putting him to bed, the way he curls up on his side to face me and pulls my arm close to him and runs his amazing little hands over my hands over and over, and clasps on to my fingers so that he can make sure I stay close as he falls asleep. I don’t appreciate this as much as I should since I’m always trying to pry myself so I can go do dishes or watch tv or whatever. But really, it’s the sweetest thing ever and I’m going to miss it like crazy when he’s old enough to not care anymore.

There are so many I’m already forgetting. I wish I could package every moment up and save it forever. I wish I could freeze time and just stare at his face for hours, memorizing every tiny detail.

It’s finally my turn to take part in sfgirlbybay’s awesome blog it forward project. The torch was passed to me from the lovely Evenstar Art yesterday. Check out today’s other posters: max and ellie, whitney english, the penny has dropped, jetkat design, once upon a chai tea latte, sparker, red bird style, and coeur de la !

childhood
I am constantly amazed and inspired by little kids and their view of the world. I think I want to be a four-year-old when I grow up.

books, in general, but especially young adult fiction
[via] I don’t think there’s any way I would be the person I am today without books. I read almost constantly as a child, and YA fiction is still my favorite. A Wrinkle in Time, The Secret Garden, The Phantom Tollbooth, The Little Prince, Harry Potter, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Matilda, His Dark Materials, The Chronicles of Narnia… and on and on and on. I have read and re-read these books countless times, and they still can make me feel like the world is a limitless, magical place full of possibility and promise. (This is especially appreciated when eating a cup ‘o soup in your beige cubicle for the fifth time this week.)

blogs by awesome moms
Since having a kid, I find myself being inspired by the blogs of crafty, creative women who also have babies. I can barely manage to get out of bed in the morning and don’t ask me when the last time I vacuumed the living room was. But reading, for example, making it lovely and dos family and Mighty Girl and maganda, makes me feel like there’s a chance that even I could pull together the fantastic life of my dreams in between the joys and chaos of starting a small family.

music, always, but especially pretty girls singing amazing songs
Good music is the background to everything and the best kick-in-the-pants when I’m stuck in a rut.

nature, and the ocean in particular
I’ve always been drawn to the sea. My mom once went to a crazy psychic when I was little, and he told her that in a previous life we were fishermen. I normally don’t believe in crazy psychics and the crazy things they say, but this? This makes total sense.

Be sure to check out fabulous doodles on Monday! Behind the Red Door, one blue wren, come blow bubbles, red glasses, stephmodo, je voudrais que, the pretty shiny things, megan charland, and wild magnolia will also be playing along!